


Journal: Year Three

by Aria_Lerendeair



Series: Journals [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: John is Sherlock's life, M/M, Reichenbach Feels, Separation, Sherlock does everything for John, he just doesn't admit it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-27
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-08 16:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/445081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The final year.  Sherlock has hunted down a large list of people to track down John's sniper.  He has realized how he really feels about John.  The culmination of the Journals series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January

**Author's Note:**

  * For [frek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/frek/gifts).



> This is the end of the Journals series. There will also be an epilogue, but everything that has been building up culminates in this year and the messes that Sherlock finds himself in. 
> 
> As always, without Frek, this story would never have happened, and her support is amazing and fantastic and I don't deserve her, or the support she gives me. <3 She is amazing and fantastic. Thank you again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 3rd

_Being a father will suit you.  You always thought (incorrectly) that you would be a poor father._

_You are happy._

_I wanted this for you._

_I am a fool.  (Scratched out, violently.)_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 5th

_I am able to walk around with my cane now._

_It hurts to stand for long periods of time._

_The scar is ugly and dark.  Knotted skin on my thigh._

_I limp._

_I think of you.  How you overcame your shoulder injury.  I must do the same with this._

_I will never be able to track down your killer if I am incapacitated.  Mycroft is running out of places to search.  I can feel his frustration.  I can do what he cannot.  I must find him._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 6th

_I wonder if you would have tried to do anything for my birthday had I told you.  Probably._

_Perhaps it is a good thing I never did tell you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 9th

_Mycroft is angry.  I have stopped taking my pain medication and have removed my stitches myself._

_I do not care._

_I have started walking faster to see how much my leg can cope._

_I am waiting to see if I will develop a psychosomatic pain in my shoulder.  It would only be appropriate, wouldn’t it?  For us to be complete opposites and yet the same?_

_It is a foolish thought._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 12th

_Today Mycroft attempted to bring in a doctor to tell me how to stretch my leg and learn to use it again.  I laughed at him and had him leaving within an hour._

_Fool._

_It has been two months since I was shot.  My leg is healing well._

_How is your leg?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 14th

_Two years since my jump.  Two very long years._

_You have moved on with your life since I jumped._

_You still visited today._

_Mycroft let me watch on the CCTV cameras._

_Mary stood at the back of the graveyard and waited for you._

_You didn’t say anything.  Only touched the headstone and left._

_I’m sorry John._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 15th

_I am near the end of this journal._

_Molly sent another to Mycroft months ago.  It is waiting on the desk next to my bed as I write._

_I will start writing in it soon._

_To think.  Two years ago I thought this was a foolish idea.  I still do.  Yet I see the reasons for it.  Perhaps someday I will give these to you.  So you understand._

_Would you understand?_

_Will you?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 16th

_I miss you._

_What a foolish thought.  Yet I have it so often._

_Every time I change my bandage, I think of you doing it instead._

_I hear your voice chastising me for walking too much on it and not taking proper care of it._

_I shall endeavour to take better care of myself._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 18th

_I have resumed my investigation._

_I will go by first names in alphabetical order._

_Geoffrey first._

_Then James._

_Then Richard._

_And finally Sebastian._

_Whichever of them is the head of the network and your sniper, I will discover.  And soon._

_I promise John._

 

_  
_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 21st

_This is the last entry I will write in this journal before I start the new one._

_I have a lead on Geoffrey.  I must go to Leeds._

_London isn’t safe, but even Mycroft had trouble recognizing me with my natural hair color and brown contacts._

_Would you recognize me?_

_I would like to say yes, but I am unsure._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 27th

_A new journal.  Perhaps a fresh start._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 29th

_I am still limping when I walk.  I must learn to stop before I leave._

_A limp is noticeable._

_People would remember me and start to look too closely._

_However, it may be useful as a way to be under-estimated by my enemies._

_No one expects a man with a limp to be dangerous._

_Or to carry an illegal handgun tucked into his jeans._

_Right?_

 

 

****


	2. February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock narrows down his list further.

 

 

 

 

 

February 2nd

_Still limping.  Only slightly._

_Running is difficult._

_Mycroft sent men to investigate my lead.  Leads in Leeds.  I can hear you snickering now._

_Of course they found nothing._

_They do not know where to look._

_I must be able to walk soon!_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 6th

_Stupid commercial holiday.  It is everywhere._

_What are you going to do for Mary?_

_Get her flowers, chocolates and roses?_

_Woo her?_

_Boring._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 10th

_I am able to jog for extended periods of time.  Not run or sprint, but I can make do._

_It is time for me to leave._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 12th

_Have arrived in Leeds._

_Geoffrey Stanton is harder to track down than I anticipated._

_Of course, I expected this in some measure.  If you are dead according to everyone, then you should not be easy to find.  Even if he has changed his identity and goes by a different name and has changed his appearance, I would be able to spot the military bearing._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 13th

_I continue to hide in Leeds.  No one has noticed me.  I am able to blend in easier than I expected._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 14th

_Foolish commercial holiday.  Why is the need felt to buy all sorts of gifts and things to show you care for another person?  What is so special about this day compared to the rest of the year?_

_Nothing!_

_I hope a serial arsonist sets fire to all of the card and flower shops in London._

_That would make this day worth all the trouble._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 19th

_Have begun to tail Geoffrey.  He hid himself well.  He shows no signs of wishing to remove to London to keep a closer eye on you._

_I have alerted Mycroft to his position and crossed him off of my list._

_He will take care of Geoffrey and ensure he never poses a threat to someone again._

_It is down to three now._

_Only three men left._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 22nd

_I have returned to Mycroft’s (and mine!) country estate._

_Our mother doesn’t live far from here._

_She does not know I’m alive either._

_I need to investigate James Longue and Richard Holbrook._

_I believe they both live in America.  While I have no desire to return there (I am on their Most Wanted list after all), in order to keep you safe, I need to confirm their positions._

_That leaves only one man who could possibly be here watching you, and running the network._

_Sebastian Moran._

_I must confirm this information._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 28th

_Have spent the last four days on the computer tracking down the information that I need._

_Leg is almost completely healed.  I can run for short periods of time now._

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the beginning of the end as the list starts to be narrowed down, in reality this time.


	3. March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is on the cusp of something. Whether it is oblivion thanks to heroin, or finishing off the last of John's snipers, or realizing how he feels....something is there, waiting for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 5th

_It looks like both of my targets are indeed in the United States._

_I cannot confirm this without approaching both of them._

_They are adept at changing their physical appearances._

_They will be a challenge._

_Yet I cannot bring myself to leave._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 8th

_I have not thought of the heroin in weeks.  Work distracted me, as Mycroft promised it would._

_Today I was reminded of it._

_Molly again - quite by accident._

_Your wedding is on April 18th.  Before the baby is born._

_I recognize all of the signs this time.  My hands are not steady.  I cannot concentrate._

_I have locked myself in my room.  The needle is between my fingers, being twirled slowly from finger to finger._

_It glitters in the bright sunshine._

_I can see it.  The heroin there.  Promising oblivion._

_So close._

_Holding this pen in my other hand is the only thing keeping me back._

_Perhaps if I keep writing I will not use it._

_Mycroft is banging on the door outside.  He knows._

_I have been in here several hours at least._

_Every time the needle brushes my fingers I shiver._

_I think of you.  How disappointed you would be if I succuumbed._

_What would you think if you knew you were the trigger?_

_It’s always you John._

_Why?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 9th

_Mycroft barged in just after that last word and took the needle from me.  His face was paler than usual._

_He saw the journal entry.  Grew angry._

_The journal saved me._

_The journal is to you, so I must infer that somehow, you have saved me once again._

_Thank you John._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 11th

_Mycroft wishes me to see a therapist.  Or to talk to him._

_I do not know which is worse!_

_Higher probability that Mycroft would understand._

_I have no desire to say any of these thoughts out loud._

_I write them here so that you may read them one day._

_You will understand better than I do.  I never understand emotion._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 13th

_Mary lost the baby._

_You are devastated._

_I haven’t seen you, but I know.  I know you will be cursing yourself for not having done something.  For not having noticed as a doctor.  (You are not an obstetrician John.)_

_You will tell her everything a doctor would.  (There was something not right.  Your body recognized it.  You can have more children.  You will be all right.  You will heal.)_

_You will, of course, tell her everything a lover would.  (I love you.  We can try again.  I love you.)_

_Perhaps this is a sign of a marriage doomed to fail? (Crossed out, though not violently, only one thick line.)_

_I am sorry for you John._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 16th

_I have seen you on CCTV footage._

_Your limp has worsened._

_You did not smile._

_I hate it._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 20th

_I have started preparations for returning to America._

_I need to make sure they are not here in England watching you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 22nd

_Mycroft returned from London today._

_He had my violin._

_I remember the last time I played._

_It was a week before my fall.  You had had a night terror.  I was down on the couch.  I heard you shout when you woke up._

_I played Mendelssohn for you.  It was always your favorite.  You were sleeping deeply when I went to look in on you an hour later._

_Do you remember?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 28th

_I am staying until your wedding._

_I will see you one last time before I go._

_I want to see Mary.  Make sure she is right for you.  You always had horrendous taste in women when we lived together._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 30th

_Mycroft thinks it is a bad idea._

_I am determined._

_He is making the necessary arrangements._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 31st

_Happy Birthday John._

_Your miracle is not far off now._

_Do you still want it?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember crying when I wrote this chapter. So much of this was written in a state of mind I can't even describe, but I loved it. Each word seemed to describe exactly what I wanted to. 
> 
> The only thing I'm not proud of in this month is the scene with the needle where Mycroft is outside his room. I wanted better description, but since it is Sherlock writing it, I was limited. I could see that whole scene inside my head, and it begged for better description. Perhaps I will write this story from Mycroft's view, only to make sure that scene is done. 
> 
> The next month is a promised doozy. It will not disappoint. 
> 
> Comments/criticisms are welcome and even appreciated!


	4. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock makes his way to go see John get married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost halfway through year three, and this chapter really starts the beginning of the end for end for the Journals series.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 2nd

_Mycroft has asked about the needle in my pocket and why I carry it with me._

_I suspect he knows the reason already._

_I did not dignify him with a response._

_I need the comfort._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 7th

_I miss you John._

_I miss waking up to the sound of you making tea at Baker Street._

_I am sure you do it often for Mary._

_I miss listening to your slow typing as you work on blog entries._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 11th

_Kent.  You are getting married in Kent._

_Where Mary’s family lives._

_Mycroft and I travel there tomorrow._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 17th

_You arrived yesterday.  I saw you across the street._

_The urge to wave, call out to you walked by almost impossible to ignore.  You were meeting Mary’s brother for a quick round at the pub.  I hid behind my newspaper._

 

_  
_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 18th

_I am off to see you married John._

_I am amazed that despite Mary’s miscarriage, you two have still decided to get married.  Get married so soon, rather._

_You are stronger than I give you credit for John._

_It will now be her job to take care of you._

(After this entry there are a violent set of scribbles, though none of them form words.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will explain what happened....I promise.


	5. May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not putting a summary for this one. It speaks for itself. It really does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 20th

_Detoxing._

_Cannot write yet._

_In America._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 27th (8:00am)

_I now have time to write. There is so much I need to describe. I am weak, confined to a bed until the heroin finishes flushing from my system._

_The worst is over._

_I must explain what happened at the wedding._

_I am not sure where to start, but I will try._

_We went to the church early, Mycroft and I. I was situated in the balcony. I could see everything without being observed. I would have a clear view of your face and be able to hear you speak. Everything was in place._

_The case with the needle in it was comforting against my thigh. Perhaps I knew then that it was the day I would fall._

_It was more violent and painful than I had thought it would be._

_I don’t know why I’m writing this.  She insists it will be good for me.  Because I refuse to talk to her.  Or anyone else._

_Why should I?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 27th (3:00pm)

_I understand, or am starting to understand why you are the trigger._

_I will continue._

_I saw you come into the church, take your place at the altar.  Lestrade was standing next to you.  You were both laughing.  He congratulated you.  I saw him mention my name.  You looked sad for a moment, but you smiled.  What did he say to you?_

_There were last minute preparations.  Everyone was in place.  You were looking expectantly at the door._

_The music started.  Traditional bridal entrance music.  The congregation stood._

_I moved closer.  I wanted to see your face.  I needed to._

_I saw it in your face the second you saw Mary._

_I knew the look.  One of admiration, awe and marvel._

_I remember my hand clenching around the case and pulling it out of my pocket._

_I knew that look.  It was the same one you had used to give me.  Even that belonged to her now._

_The syringe was in my hand._

_I turned and left the balcony as Mary reached the altar.  The look was still on your face._

_The tourniquet was in place around my arm before I reached the stairs to the outside._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 27th (7:00pm) 

_I haven’t said a word today._

_She is worried._

_But I must finish this._

_It hurts to remember._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 27th (9:00pm)

_Mycroft was waiting outside the church for me with the car._

_He realized what I was about to do a few seconds too late._

_Oblivion never felt so good John.  It took away everything._

_The rush took me over.  Silenced my mind, banished all thoughts of you, Mary and Mycroft._

_It was all gone.  All of it.  Blessedly gone._

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to pick the timing of exactly when this would happen carefully. It was obvious that at some point, this type of fall would happen, but I didn't have any specifics on it. 
> 
> Well, now you know. This chapter is also purposefully vague, but will spawn a lot of introspection in the next two chapters. I hope you enjoy.


	6. June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock finally understands. And is devastated.

  
  
  
  
  
  
June 15th   
  
Since writing the above, I am once again clean.  No more drugs exist in my system.       
  
I disappeared for three weeks before ending up here.     
  
Mycroft has no idea as to where I am (unless she has told him) and neither does Molly.  I am alone.     
  
I do not know what drew me to Irene Adler’s front door, but it is here I am hiding.  Hiding from the world.     
  
And myself.     
  
  
  
  
  
  
June 17th   
  
Irene finally demanded to know what was going on.  I handed her the first of the journals today.  She took it without another word and sat down in my chair by the window.     
  
I watched her read all of it.     
  
I even gave her the second journal to read.  When she finished, she hugged me for a long time and did not let go.   
  
This time I understood why.  I hugged her back.     
  
  
  
  
  
  
June 19th   
  
Perhaps it is all as simple as the one thought I had to get out of my mind when I saw you look at Mary with ‘my’ look.     
  
I was the only one I ever wanted to see you give that look to.     
  
I didn’t realize it until I saw you give it to someone else.     
  
I didn’t realize how special it was.     
  
How much I had missed it, and how much I wanted it directed at me again.     
  
I know that I will never see it again, and that for the rest of your life, Mary will be the only one who will see that look.     
  
That realization hurts John.     
  
It hurts much more than I thought.     
  
  
  
  
  
  
June 20th   
  
Here I must tell you the truth.     
  
Irene was right.     
  
They were all right.     
  
We were a couple.     
  
I lost you before I even knew I wanted you.     
  
How could I have been so foolish?     
  
You even waited for me.     
  
You waited a full year for your miracle.     
  
The miracle just for you.  For me not to be dead.     
  
I failed again John.  I failed you.     
  
I am too late.     
  
  
  
  
  
  
June 25th   
  
Irene asked me today when I fell in love with you.  Despite everything I am starting to realize about what could have been between us, this question never crossed my mind.     
  
I -am- in love with you John.     
  
This the first time I have admitted the thought aloud.     
  
When did it start?     
  
I told her I did not know the answer.  She did not believe me.  The truth is that I do not know when it started.     
  
Did it start when you first told me my deductions were amazing?     
  
Or during our first case?     
  
Or when Moriarty had a bomb strapped to your chest and paraded you in front of me?   
  
Or perhaps when we were both hauled to Buckingham Palace and giggled like school children on the chaise in the waiting room?   
  
I don’t know.     
  
I remember laughing and smiling with you and it hurts.     
  
I remember everything about you John.  I have spent these last two months committing every memory I have of you into my mind palace.  Into a room that belongs only to you.     
  
I will never forget John.     
  
I cannot forget.     
  
You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me.  Or will ever happen to me.     
  
I miss you John.  I love you.  (The last three words are scribbled out so hard and violently it is almost impossible to see what they say any longer.)   
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though May was painful, I have to say that writing this, making Sherlock write out his feelings was simultaneously the hardest and the best thing to write. Self-realization was hard to write, but I loved every single second of this. 
> 
> I would love to know what you all think of this chapter and the realizations that Sherlock has come to.


	7. July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock delving a little deeper into his feelings for John and how they came about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 14th

_Contacted Mycroft today.  Despite his attempts to conceal it, it was clear he had been worried._

_Three months is a long time to disappear._

_I feel like I need longer.  I hung up on him before he asked when I would be coming home._

_Home to England.  And you._

_Sebastian Moran is your sniper.  Irene Adler confirmed it._

_He was second in command._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 15th

_I read through both of my journals._

_How I feel is so obvious in them.  In every word._

_Even Mycroft was able to see it._

_I did all of this for you.  The journals, the travelling, taking down the network.  All of it for you._

_If I had brought you with me, would we still be together? (Crossed out)_

_Irrelevant thought.  We never were together.  You spent more time convincing people of that than any other fact.  To assume otherwise is foolish._

_John._

_(The rest of the page is wrinkled in places, obvious tear stains are there.)_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 16th

_ I must be free of this emotion before I go back.  It is too powerful and too controlling.     
Irene says I will never be free of it.  I refuse to believe that.  You have moved on.  I will as well.   _

_In order to do so, I will write down all of the things I miss about you, or other things I deem important.  Once they are committed to paper, I will delete them from my hard drive._

_Once and for all._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 18th

_It has taken me two days to come up with a list that pleased me and made sense. (I found the strangest thoughts escaping when I created this list.)_

_Here they are John._

_1\. I miss your mother hen nature. (This includes making tea, buying milk, fussing when I am injured -yes you do fuss-, tidying the flat, yelling about body parts in the fridge, etc.) Included in this is a general concern for my well-being._

_You are the only person who cared about that. Mycroft pretends to. You actually cared._

_2\. I miss your company. Running through London by your side. Watching bad telly with you. Solving cases with you. Having someone there when I mock Anderson and Donovan.  Hearing you putter around the flat, just to let me know you are there._

_I never noticed how much I enjoyed having someone ‘there’.  And not just for talking, since Billy often serves for that purpose when you are not present._

_Hearing your breathing when you fall asleep on the couch watching Doctor Who.  Or the way you sigh my name in frustration when you realize I have not bought the milk...or done whatever it is you asked of me._

_3\. You never judged me.  Whether it was finding out I was a drug addict, that I played violin at three in the morning or that I didn’t sleep for days on end, you judged me for none of it._

_At first I thought you didn’t care.  You would just ignore them for as long as you could, then move out when you got bored._

_You never did.  You accepted each of them, whether you disliked them or not._

_I have never asked you why.  I believe it is because you do not want people to judge you in return.  I did when we first met.  I have tried not to since._

_4\. I miss your expressions.  You are so very expressive, no matter what you are feeling.  Whether it is anger, frustration, happiness, laughter, sadness, it all shows so perfectly on your face._

_Especially that ‘look’.  The one that no longer belongs to just me.  But I will always think of it as mine.  The small quirk of your eyebrows in disbelief as I start to explain, the way your lips part in surprise, just the tiniest bit, and the way your eyes just stare at me, wanting to know how I saw all of that, how I know all of it._

_I miss them._

_5\. I need you._

_I need you John.  I do not know how to explain the sentiment properly.  Only that those three words are the most truthful I have ever written._

_I need you._

_I need you in my life, laughing at me, calling me an idiot (no one else would - yet you did within  days of meeting me), joking with me, smiling at me, making me eat, making me sleep._

_I wish...(Scratched out, violently.)_

_I hope that Mary appreciates you the way that you deserve._

_I want you to be happy John._

_That is all of it.  Done, now to be deleted and never thought of again._

_I have work to finish._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 19th

_I will be leaving for England tomorrow._

_Mycroft has the location of the two remaining men besides Sebastian Moran._

_They will be eliminated._

_You will be free soon._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, this chapter makes me cry. This whole summer makes me cry really. 
> 
>  
> 
> SIDE NOTE: I'm so sorry for the delay in posting. Life kinda whacked me nice and hard like nobodies business. I had a demotion at work, and I've been readjusting to a brand new position, on top of that, I have had a severe case of bronchitis for the past week and half. I am so, so, so very sorry, and if you are still reading this fic, thank you so much for staying with me!


	8. August

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock starts thinking of what he might do to Sebastian Moran when he catches him....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 2nd

_I am back in London._

_I have missed it._

_I am on the hunt for Sebastian Moran._

_Mycroft has men in place on Lestrade and Mrs. Hudson’s snipers.  When I inform him that Sebastian is dead or no longer a threat, they will be taken out without fuss._

__

_  
_

__

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 9th

_Little to report.  Sebastian has hidden himself well.  There are only a handful of places where he is able to watch you everywhere you go.  Those are the places I must find._

_He is tricky.  He is the current head of the Moriarty network for a reason.  James trained his replacement well._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 14th

_Have taken to trailing you to keep you safe.  Perhaps I will see him slip up._

_It has almost been three years, yet still he is supremely cautious._

_I must be careful._

__

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 19th

_Caught sight of the man I believe to be Sebastian Moran today._

_He is very nondescript.  Much like you.  Easily underestimated._

_I will not underestimate him._

__

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 23rd

_It is him._

_He is careful not to make mistakes._

_He follows you everywhere.  Even to the graveyard when you make your weekly visit._

_Why do you still make visits?  You’ve been married over four months.  Surely you have better things to be doing with your time.  You don’t always bring Mary either._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 27th

_Anticipation is a dangerous thing._

_I can feel it across my skin every time I catch sight of Sebastian Moran._

_He is the man keeping us from...(crossed out, two harsh horizontal lines marring the words)_

_He is the only remnant of the Moriarty network remaining that wishes to harm you._

_I have ensured that the rest of the network is in such a shambles that there is no way for the entire thing to be reliably brought back together again._

_Some of the smarter businesses will survive on their own._

_Why does he still carry on Moriarty’s work, even after this death?_

_Perhaps if I can answer this question, I will be able to take him down and kill him._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 30th 

_Interesting._

_All this time and I have never thought about what I would do to your sniper if I found him._

_He is not far now._

_What will I do to him when I catch him?_

_He is the reason I have not spoken to you in two years, seven months, sixteen days, two hours and approximately thirty-seven minutes._

_What will I do?_

_Will my hand be steady?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who gave me their love and support via comments/kudos last chapter. You guys are the best and you are the reason I keep plugging away at posting this. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're all wonderful and amazing.


	9. September

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too much for me to add to this, only that it is the beginning of the end. September is really, really short. I apologize for that. I blame that fact that I didn't realize I didn't have a month of September by accident. My fault. So you get two chapters for the price of one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 9th

_I hate him.  Hate him for what he has done to you, what he forced me to do. I must be careful._

_I will do everything I have to.  For you._

 

 

 

 

 

  
September 17th

_I have no time to write.  I am sleeping in a different apartment each night.  I fear Moran noticing, or having information come to him that I am still alive.  I will do nothing to risk you.  I must save you.  I will save you._

 

 

 

 

September 25th

_I am ready.  I am ready.  It is almost time John.  Will you forgive me?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

**  
**   


 


	10. October

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it is all set into motion. The ending.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 3rd

_My plans are falling into place._

_It will not be long now._

_Mycroft is ready._

_I am ready._

_You’ll be free soon._

_Will you know?  Know that there is no longer any reason to look behind you when you go out on walks?_

 

 

 

 

 

October 7th

_We have played a long chess game, Moriarty and I._

_The pieces are in place._

_There are only a few moves left._

_I must keep my Queen safe._

 

 

 

 

 

October 9th

_The days are too long._

_I am anxious for something to happen.  Anything to relieve the tension that is building._

_I can tell he feels it.  Moran knows something is coming.  He follows you closer than ever, sometimes within your sight._

_Why do you see but never observe?!_

 

 

 

 

 

October 12th

_I must be patient._

_I must wait._

_It is not time yet._

_I will know when it is._

_I have worked too hard and too long for this to fall victim to my impatience._

 

 

 

 

 

October 16th

_He has made his move!_

_It is time!_

 

 

 

 

 

October 18th

_Checkmate._

_Game over Moriarty.  I have won._

_Your queen is captured._

_Your forces have been decimated._

_My heart remains intact and safe.  Your queen failed you._

 

 

 

 

 

October 25th

_I have gone back to the country._

_I had always known that there was a time limit on how long Moriarty would have ordered his men to wait before simply killing you._

_It was another game, on top of a hundred others.  I was in a race against the clock set by Moriarty._

_He gave me three years.  The lease on the apartments that the three assassins had lived in.  They all expired next January.  Their jobs would be finished then.  With no intention of coming back.  That could only have meant one thing._

_I did not think I would come this close to the deadline._

_But it is over now._

 

 

 

 

 

October 29th

_Sebastian Moran was too smart to not realize that I was the one destroying his network from the inside out.  He simply had no proof, and most of the destruction occurred as a result of inherent problems in each of the networks._

_Genevieve and Persephone ruled the network with him.  When they both fell, he could not keep all of it together.  I suspect that even now, pieces of the network will continue to flourish (See notes on Ireland) and become their own entities.  Others will never be rebuilt. (See notes on Russia and Italy)_

_Persephone will never be in a position to control the network again.  She is the remaining loose end.  Mycroft will handle her._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**  
**   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *exhales* Holy cow, this has been a crazy battle to get this completed and posted and here we are, almost finished.


	11. November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As year three draws to a close, so does the game...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second-to-last chapter of this series. Of the official series anyways, since my brain had to go and add an epilogue against my wishes. Thank you so much to the people who cared enough to read this and comment and tell me what they thought of it. I love you more than you could ever know. 
> 
> Thank you. And thank you to everyone who has commented and kept me going. <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 2nd

_I did not expect Moran to try and attack you._

_When I saw him come out of hiding and start following you much more closely all day, I knew something was wrong._

_I informed Mycroft to take down the other two snipers.  Moran was making his move two months early.  I would not let him get to you.  This time I would not lose.  There was too much at stake._

_He attacked you while you were on the way home from work._

_I was too far away to help._

_I watched as he took you into the apartment he had rented._

_I broke in._

_You were tied to a chair._

_I listened outside the door as he questioned you.  Asking where I was, why I had not come to your rescue yet._

_I listened as the dull thuds of his fist hitting you and your grunts echoed in the room._

_I remember the feeling that took me over in that moment.  Rage.  Pure, simple rage.  Sebastian Moran would die for causing you pain._

_“You do know that Sherlock is dead, right?”_

_The sound of your voice, defiant, made my breath catch._

_A harder punch from Moran knocked you unconscious and left you slumped in the chair.  I could wait no longer._

_I do not remember what happened exactly.  All I know is that in a moment I was standing next to you, looking at the blood on your face, trailing down your chin and knew that I would kill Sebastian Moran for hurting you._

_I was more certain of that than I had been of anything else in my entire life._

_He knew it when he looked at me.  He told me to go ahead.  To kill him._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 6th

_Mycroft stopped me._

_At the last possible moment._

_He put his hand on my shoulder and said: “John would not have wanted you to kill him.”_

_Is he right?_

_Would you not have wanted me to pull that trigger?_

_Kill the man who forced me to make you believe I had died?_

_Who had kept me from getting in contact with you, or informing you that I was alive and well?_

_I don’t know._

_I dropped the gun at Mycroft’s feet._

_I didn’t look at you again.  I couldn’t._

_I left the apartment and London that same day.  I couldn’t stay._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 15th

_It has been a month._

_You still do not know I am alive._

_I do not want to tell you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 18th

_You’ve moved on._

_From me, from Baker Street._

_They are no longer a part of your life._

_The life you have with Mary._

_You are happy._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 24th

_I do not know why I am still writing in this._

_The journey is over._

_Moriarty is dead._

_Sebastian Moran is...handled._

_You are safe._

_Three years worth of work in two notebooks._

_I should destroy them._

 

 

 

 

 


	12. December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of the official Journals Series. It's all over now, and Sherlock wonders if there is anything left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say thank you to a couple of people with this. 
> 
> First and foremost to Jess, Teegee, Sarah and Dani. You guys know who you are. You know that I sat down and wrote this entire series in the space of a month when the idea could not stop clawing its way out of my skull. 
> 
> Second, to everyone who commented, but I have to call out Orchid, who might be one of the best commenters on this entire website. I can't tell you what it means to me to have someone respond on the level you do. I'm having an actual conversation with someone about something that I wrote and that just BLOWS. MY. MIND. Thank you for your comments and continuing to read this, despite my posting delays. 
> 
> You guys are wonderful and amazing. The only thing I have left to say is that I PROMISE THERE IS AN EPILOGUE. I PROMISE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 15th

_This is the last time I will write in this notebook._

_I am done with them.  With you._

_I shall explain._

_I went to tell you today._

_I wanted you to know I was alive.  That your faith was rewarded._

_I waited outside your apartment with Mary for several hours.  While I have taken out the contacts that turn my eyes brown, I still have my natural hair color.  I amused myself thinking of your reaction when you saw me._

_Would you be angry?  Happy?  Confused?_

_I saw Mary come home.  She started preparing dinner.  You were still at the clinic.  It was just as good.  It would be better if she were not immediately present when I saw you again._

_I picked you out in the crowd.  You were limping still, though not as noticeably as the last time I saw you.  I tried to hold myself still, to wait for you to come to me, but the sight of you was not enough.  I wanted to hear you say my name, watch your eyes widen when you realized who was standing in front of you._

_I started to walk towards you.  The instant I opened my mouth to say hello, you turned and looked over your shoulder, scanning the crowd.  I smiled.  You always did like to miss the obvious._

_You did not stop walking as you surveyed the crowd.  You turned and knocked your shoulder into mine.  I waited for the recognition, for you to realize who you had walked into.  Your eyes only glanced at me before you mumbled an apology and kept walking._

_I was frozen in place as I watched you walk away from me.  You hadn’t known it was me._

_I watched as you let yourself into the apartment, and greeted Mary with a soft kiss.  You wrapped your arms around her.  You are happy with her.  Despite losing your child earlier in the year you were still happy together.  I turned and walked away._

_I ignored the four cars Mycroft sent to pick me up.  I walked past them all._

_I returned to my rented apartment.  I locked the door._

_I didn’t expect it to hurt this much._

_To be shown that I have indeed lost you.  In every way that I could._

_Perhaps this was what Moriarty intended all along.  That I save my heart but still lose it._

_I don’t know._

_I will go back to the country for now._

_I will never see you again._

_This is goodbye John._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sherlock closed the notebook and put the pen down.  He picked up the first one and held them both in his hands.  He stood and left the room.  

 

 

 

 

 

“Are you sure?  Why wouldn’t you give them to-”

“I’m giving them to you for a reason.  Do whatever you want with them.”

“Sherlock...haven’t you told him?”  Molly’s eyes widened when Sherlock looked away from her.  

“Why haven’t you told him?!”  

Sherlock turned his back on her and strode to the door.  “Everything I need to say to him is in there.  When he is finished, demand them back.  Destroy them.”  

“But Sherlock-”

“Please Molly?”  

She bit her lip and looked at him.  For a moment, she could see the real Sherlock.  He was in pain.  Heartbroken even.  She recognized it too well.  But then he was gone again.  “All right Sherlock.  I promise.”  Molly watched him nod and close the door behind him.  She looked at the notebooks on the operating table.  She picked up the first one.  

Her eyes went to the words on the second page.  

 

 

January 25th

_You asked for a miracle today.  For me not to be dead.  You did not let yourself cry._

_I stand by what I said.  I am not a hero._

_A hero would not hurt their best friend.  Because they failed._

 

 

 

Molly snapped the notebook closed.  These belonged to one person and one person only.  

 

 

**  
**   


**Author's Note:**

> Hate it? Love it? Did I have someone remove their shirt twice? Let me know!
> 
> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
> You can find me here: http://aria-lerendeair.tumblr.com/
> 
> You can also watch me write fics like this (and dozens of others) live! Follow me on Livestream for fics, shenanigans and a general all-around awesome time! http://new.livestream.com/accounts/7212317


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